Introduction
When a toddler hits or bites at preschool, it can leave parents feeling confused, worried, and unsure of what to do next. One fine day, You’re just settling in with your morning coffee when your phone buzzes. It’s a call from your child’s preschool and his teacher:
“We need to talk… your toddler hit another child during playtime today.” Your heart sinks. The shame rises. You wonder—Am I doing something wrong as a parent?
You’re not alone. Aggressive behavior in toddlers is common and developmentally appropriate, yet school complaints can make even the most patient parents feel exposed and overwhelmed. But here’s the truth: your child isn’t “bad,” and neither are you.
We’ll clarify why the violence that occurs on the child, the way to act in the absence of guilt, and the appropriate measures to do in order to support your child and improve the relationship that comes with the school in this post.
Why Do Toddlers Hits or Bite at Preschool?
Aggression in toddlers often stems from:
1. Limited Language SkillS
Little ones feel frustrated but don’t have the words to say “That’s mine!” or “I’m scared.” So they use what they do have—hands, teeth, or fists in the form of thier body language.They dont do it intentionally but happens when they want to express something and find it difficult.
Example: 3-year-old Aarav bites a classmate after his favorite toy is snatched. He wasn’t being mean—he panicked and didnt know how to react.
2. Developing the Control of Impulsion
Their little brains are still in the beginning to learn mode , how to pause and think before acting. The “fight or flight” response takes over in emotionally charged situations.They dont realise the act they do and do feel guilty after the action done,so it can be considered that the toddlers do it out of impulsion.
3. Overstimulation
Sometimes, the Loud environments, too many peers around or chaotic transitions (like circle time to snack time) can overwhelm a child and trigger an outburst which can result into an agression on peers.This scenario sually occurs in the preschool , daycare or at a play area where the toddlers are amongst the peers and do not agree on a minor little act.Their little brains feel over stimulated and result in unintentional aggression.
4. Unmet Emotional Needs
For the new school goers, Separation anxiety, lack of sleep, or even a disrupted morning routine can build tension that spills out aggressively at school.This causes them to react in a way which results in acting upon a peer due to irritability or agression.
Why Parents Feel Embarrassed—and Why You Shouldn’t?
Anecdote: “When my daughter hit another child at preschool, I wanted to disappear,” says Priya, a mom of two. “But her teacher reminded me—this is normal, and it’s fixable. We worked together, not against each other.”Such teachers are aware of the developmental stages of toddlers and this is one of it.Try and speak to the teacher and bring out the resolution by acting upon it calmly with patience and guiltfree feeling.
Instead of spiraling into shame:
- Focus on solutions, not self-blame.
- Treat the school as a partner, not a critic.
- Remind yourself: behavior is communication, not character.
What to Say When You Get a Complaint from School
Instead of reacting defensively, try this:
👉 Validate & Listen:
“Thank you for letting me know. I’d love to hear what happened and how my child was feeling before and after the incident.”
👉Ask Open-Ended Questions:
“Has this been happening regularly? Are there certain triggers or patterns you’ve noticed?”
👉Collaborate on Next Steps:
“Let’s work on some consistent strategies both at school and home. Would that help?”
What You Can Do at Home as parents to Curb Aggression
1. Label Emotions Clearly
Use simple language:
“I see you’re mad because the block tower fell. It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit.”🛒 Try This Book:👉 Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi – A must-have for every toddler shelf.
2. Create a Calm-Down Routine
Instead of punishments, teach self-regulation:
- Deep belly breathing
- Squeezing a sensory ball
- “Blow out the candle” hand technique
🛒 Recommended Tool: 👉 Melissa & Doug’s Calm-Down Kit – Includes emotion cards, fidget toys, and visual cues.
3. Practice Role Play
Rehearse situations:
- “Let’s pretend someone takes your toy. What could you say?” Use puppets or plushies to demonstrate gentle touch vs. hitting.
- Talk to them about the consequence of biting and hitting due to the rage and also make them understand the emotions of the peer.
4. Praise Gentle Behavior
Catch them being kind:
- “I saw how gently you gave your friend that toy. That was so thoughtful!”
- Positive reinforcement builds better habits than scolding alone.
- Toddlers also realise and check heir own behavior when they are appreciated for such acts.
🏫 How to Collaborate With Teachers/School Effectively
When you get that dreaded school call about your toddler hitting, pushing, or biting, your instinct may be to panic—or even defend your child. But the truth is, teachers aren’t calling to shame you—they’re reaching out to support your child’s development. Collaboration is the key.
Here’s how to turn those uncomfortable moments into a productive and compassionate partnership with your child’s preschool teachers:
1. Schedule Short, Regular Check-ins
Rather than waiting for problems to pile up or resurface, take the lead in setting up brief, consistent conversations with your child’s teacher.
Example:
“Would it be okay if we touched base every Thursday for 5 minutes at pickup just to check how the week went?”
These check-ins:
- Show you’re proactive, not reactive.
- Help identify patterns early.
- Build trust between you and the school staff.
💡 Keep a small notebook or digital log of these conversations. This helps you track progress and stay informed.
2. Create or Request a Simple Behavior Log
A behavior log is a non-judgmental, factual tool to track the “what, when, and why” behind your child’s challenging behavior.
Ask the teacher:
“Could we work together on a quick log? Just a few bullet points—what happened, when, what triggered it, and how it was handled?”
This tool helps uncover:
- Time-of-day patterns (e.g., aggression always before nap).
- Environmental triggers (e.g., during loud group activities).
- Progress over time (e.g., fewer incidents over the weeks).
You can mirror the same at home to check if behavior patterns match. It makes the issue less emotional and more actionable.
3. Align on Calm-Down Strategies
Consistency between home and school is powerful. If your toddler is taught deep breathing at school but gets time-outs at home, they may feel confused.
Ask:
“What calming strategies are you already using in class? I’d love to reinforce those at home.”
Examples:
- “Blow the flower, then blow out the candle” breathing technique
- Safe spaces or “calm corners” with soft pillows and quiet visuals
- Using emotion cards to express feelings before acting
💡 Consider sending a small personalized “calm-down kit” (e.g., with a familiar fidget toy, photo, or comfort object) to preschool if allowed. It helps bridge emotional safety between home and school.
4. Keep Your Tone Collaborative, Not Defensive
It’s natural to feel embarrassed or protective of your child—but approaching the teacher as a team member, not an accuser, changes the entire dynamic.
Instead of saying:
“Are you sure it was my child who hit first?”
Try:
“Thank you for letting me know. I understand this must’ve been challenging in the classroom. How can we work together to help him/her feel more in control next time?”
This:
- Builds empathy and mutual respect.
- Keeps the focus on solutions, not blame.
- Models emotional regulation—something we want our toddlers to learn, too!
5. Ask for Positive Updates Too
It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of only hearing about problems. But your child has good moments, too! Hearing about them builds hope and reminds you—and your child—that they’re not defined by their outbursts.
Say this:
“If possible, I’d love to also hear about what’s going well. It helps me highlight the positives at home, and encourages my child, too.”
Ask for even small wins:
- “He shared a toy today without fuss”
- “She used words to say ‘Stop’ when another child grabbed her crayon”
- “He waited patiently for his turn in line”
These positive reinforcements build self-esteem in your child and in you as a parent.
6. When to Escalate (Gently)
If the school consistently:
- Labels your child as “the problem” without offering strategies
- Dismisses your concerns
- Uses punitive or shaming tactics
- it’s okay to request a meeting with a supervisor/coordinator or counselor. Your child deserves support, not stigma. Always advocate respectfully, but firmly.
Say:
“I’d love to bring in a school counselor or someone from the support team to help us build a plan that works for everyone. I know we all want what’s best for my child.”
7. Celebrate Progress Together
Even if your toddler still struggles some days, celebrate milestones as a team.
- “Only one incident this week—amazing progress!”
- “They used the emotion card instead of pushing—that’s a win!”
Consider sharing a small thank-you note or appreciation during teacher appreciation week. These moments create a stronger connection, which benefits your child’s emotional development long term.
🧘♀️ Take Care of Your Own Emotions Too
It’s easy to feel like your child’s outbursts are personal failures. But parenting is not about being perfect—it’s about growing through the challenges.We all learn parenting through trial and errors.
Try this affirmation:
“My child is learning. I’m learning too. We’re both doing our best today.”
Create a small support circle—other parents, a therapist, or even a parenting group on Facebook—to remind you that you’re not alone.
📥 Free Printable: “Toddler Big Feelings Toolbox”
Help your toddler learn to manage emotions with this simple, colorful, and easy-to-use printable toolkit. Perfect for home or preschool use!
Included in the Download (PDF):
Emotion Faces Chart
– 9 toddler-friendly expressions (Happy, Sad, Angry, Scared, Silly, Tired, Shy, Excited, Confused)
– Visual aid for emotional recognition and vocabulary
Calm-Down Corner Checklist
– Create a safe emotional reset space at home
– Items list: soft toy, weighted pillow, sand timer, sensory ball, emotions book, etc.
“Gentle Hands vs. Hurting Hands” Cards
– Picture cues showing what gentle hands can do (hug, high-five, help)
– Helps toddlers reflect on behavior visually
“What Can I Do Instead?” Prompt Sheet
– Alternatives to hitting/biting: stomp feet, tell a grown-up, squeeze a pillow, use words
– Encourages self-soothing and problem-solving
Simple Parent Prompts to Talk About Feelings
– Kid-tested, calming phrases like:
“You’re feeling angry. I’m here to help.”
“Let’s take three balloon breaths together.”
How to Use:
- Laminate and hang in your child’s play area or preschool
- Use during meltdowns, transitions, or to prevent aggressive episodes
- Great for circle time or calm-down routines
Summary: The Gentle Way to Raise a Toddler, Not to Indoctrinate.
It is so easy to be embarrassed, concerned or even judged when a toddler hits or bites at preschool, however, these are not the moments when poor parenting or bad childhood could be considered. They are signals. Indications that your little one is still getting used to handling newfound great feelings in an expanding world.
Most children would naturally get out of this stage with patience, boundaries that are consistent and with caring guidance. When the adults react in a calm rather than a shameful manner, the children will learn how to release frustration in safer ways, seek help and develop emotional management skills that will remain with them throughout their lives.
It is important to keep in mind that not everything is achieved instantly- and that is alright. The most important thing is that your child must feel understood, supported and guided in the loving way. Being deeply involved with preschool teachers and responsive at home does not only help you deal with aggressive behavior but also develop resilience, empathy and emotional confidence.
Even during the bad days you are doing a good job. And you are teaching, one hour at a time.
Your child’s preschool teacher wants your child to succeed. When both home and school work in sync, your toddler gets a consistent emotional roadmap—and that’s what they need most right now.By collaborating with patience, openness, and empathy, you can help your little one move from chaotic outbursts to more calm, connected behaviors.
HAPPY PARENTING😍
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